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Never turn your back on an aggressive goose

March 28, 2007

Since this was picked up by Romenesko, I must share.. It’s the funniest memo intended to be serious I’ve ever read.

Columbus Dispatch memo re aggressive geeseFrom: Help Desk
Sent: Friday, March 23, 2007 2:06 PM
To: [Staff]
Subject: Canadian Geese NestingTo: All employees at the Crosswind facility.
From: Joe Hackney
Re: Canadian Geese Nesting

Spring is upon us and our waterfowl friends have again taken up residence for the 2007 season. It is very important for your personal safety that you understand some basic habits of this particular species during the nesting season; we have discovered the first nests of the spring this week. Never, never, feed these animals; they live more than abundantly on the fine turf at our facility. Geese (particularly the gander) become extremely aggressive during the nesting season. The female will begin laying eggs from mid March to early April; it is the female you will see tending the nest. The gander will normally be in the area and no more than 20 yards off. You must be alert and aware when walking to and from the building; the gander will attack you if it believes you are to close to the nesting female or pose a threat. This attack can come from any direction so take notice of any geese in the area that you see while walking.

The facilities maintenance staff, as in years past, will make every effort to limit any human-goose conflict situations by all legal means at our disposal, following are a few tips should you be confronted with an aggressive goose:

1) Maintain direct eye contact with the animal and face toward it.

2) If the goose acts aggressively calmly and slowly back away.

3) Maintain a neutral demeanor, do not act hostile or show fear.

4) Never turn you back to an aggressive goose.

5) If a goose flies toward your face duck and move at a right angle to the direction of flight while maintaining your front toward the goose.

Try and remember these few tips should you need to employ them this
spring and please report any aggressive geese you encounter to the
facilities maintenance department at 461-5008.

Thanks you for your assistance,

Joe Hackney


7 Comments leave one →
  1. asheinin permalink
    March 28, 2007 3:29 pm

    Goose … it’s for dinner! And how do you maintain a neutral demeanor in the event of a goose attack? I’d either scream, laugh or grab a paring knife.

  2. Tiffany permalink
    March 28, 2007 4:24 pm

    You mock, but I’ve been attacked by geese on two separate occasions. One t ime the goose actually chased me into a murky pond. It is WHY I am this way.

  3. asheinin permalink
    March 28, 2007 5:01 pm

    Those weren’t geese. They were Hank Shaw and Holly Heyser.

  4. Tiffany permalink
    March 29, 2007 11:02 am

    That explains a lot.

  5. March 30, 2007 11:59 pm

    Holy crap. Joe Hackney is our House Speaker. I’m serious!

    Then again, maybe this is how he got the job. Anyone who can explain how to navigate angry geese must be politically gifted…not to mention accustomed to wading through piles of crap.


  6. Lemmy permalink
    March 5, 2010 6:15 pm

    You ever lived with 1?!?!?
    We’ve got 3!!!
    Ahh but only 1 male. (thankfully;)
    They are 11 months old, and we’ve had them for 7 months and have had quite a nice crop so far. And REALLY Enormous eggs!!
    However, if he bites me ‘mam’ 1 more time,..
    He WILL be fodder!!!
    He is funny though, almost cute at times.
    Little B*^$tard!

  7. Sandra permalink
    January 2, 2011 2:01 pm

    I have 2 geese and a gander. The females are darlings but the gander (Honkytonk) is an asshole. Solution; get a big stick!

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